Hi, I am still here, and I am back, writing about my life. And this post is about Liberation; the action of setting myself free, freedom from limits.
I have had moments in my life throughout childhood and as I grew, of optimum happiness, moments where everything else stops and time seems to slow down. Time seems to acknowledge your deepest of feelings and slow down so you can truly feel, and remember. The downfall is this often happens in the darkest moments of pain also. A bittersweet gift. One that has given us the clichés that it is only the rain that brings us the rainbow, and only the darkness that brings us the stars.
The problem with these overused and abused clichés. They tend to be true.
Now, I have had a year or so of the rain, and the dark nights, all the bitter not much of the sweet, and I must say, when the sun begins to rise, the stars begin to shine and the rainbow shows itself, you feel.
Liberation- That is the feeling.
I am an advocate of mental health, and an advocate of tomorrow, and recovery. Hope is what keeps us all alive. And I expected recovery when I was getting better, to leave me with a deep feeling of happiness, and joy. This is not what happened.
I am still recovering, still having bad days, but I am no longer controlled but in control, and I am living a mostly functional life. It is strange having a choice after choice, and it feels liberating.
I expected happiness and joy. It seems rather naïve of me now as I reflect, why would I feel happy to live, like one should, like we all deserve. Why would waking up without fog hanging over my head leave me overjoyed? What it truly feels like is freedom, it feels extricating. I have been set free from my shackles, I have been released into the world, no longer confined by dozens of coping mechanisms and four walls.
The newfound liberation I have is something I have embraced, and it explains my absence from social media and blogging. If you read my previous post, I was battling with myself and my days searching for Balance ( click to read). There is another thing too though. When for so long you are left confined and you are finally emancipated from the cage and prison that mental health issues are. Each day is an adventure, and a day to do something you couldn’t yesterday, a day to live.
What I am saying is, I didn’t want to sit on my laptop and write, I didn’t want to spend my Tuesday evening holding a Twitter Chat, I had a year to catch up on. I do want to write, and blog, I mean that is what I am doing now, but I needed a week, a few days, to do me. Because ME was finally free.
And, in true style, I wanted to do something more. I wanted to do something even more liberating.
The something I chose was standing on top of a big hill, I would like to say mountain but I would be overstating my success. I stood on top of a hill in the Derbyshire peak district and undid my swimming costume. I stood and felt the breeze and embraced my vulnerability and recognised just how far I had come.
The past year has been a mountain, I have climbed higher and higher each time reaching what I thought was the top to unveil what feels like another impossible mountain to climb. So it only seemed apt to climb a hill, reach a pretty high point and bare, me. You may still be questioning the point that I decided I need to do more than climb the hill, and the point is, I could stand vulnerable, I could make that choice, and embrace that moment.
I did it because I could.
And I did it because my body has been my armour for a year, and it deserves celebrating, it has survived a year of neglect, and unhealthy habits that have kept me going. I am proud of myself, and my shell, and I wanted to show the world that.
I will be back blogging regularly, maybe twice a week, maybe once. All about my life in recovery, my journey of finding my feet again, and finding my future.
My message to you is to fight the fight, embrace the pain and heartbreak, and when you are free, embrace the world. Because you are the fighter, and you shall always win if you have hope, hope that tomorrow shall come.
Today Tomorrow Forever,
[I would love to start working again too, so email me at firstname.lastname@example.org, if you know of or have any freelance writing or digital marketing opportunities.]