I have had a really bad weekend recently following an attempted attendance back to therapy. I battled with anxiety as I was apprehensive of the session and after a couple of hours at max I decided that I needed relief and couldn’t push myself to make it to the session. However, it didn’t end there as my anxiety doesn’t like to leave me alone and decided to linger for the entirety of my weekend at a heightened state. It wasn’t fun! I struggled to sleep, eat and well function however with the dawn of Monday morning, which for me was the afternoon as my body finally succumbed to sleep, I had a breakthrough.
As my mind hadn’t stopped for what felt like forever I had a small moment of clarity that prevailed for the rest of the day. I realised I had for the past few weeks had the wrong mindset around my recovery and wasn’t making progress for very logical reasons.
I had become consumed by recovery as I restarted the therapy sessions I had been provided with a peer support worker and had ended up spending endless hours thinking only about that, my recovery. Personally what keeps me sane is normality and I had allowed myself to forget what that feels like. As I have left school my days are filled with whatever I want and I should be revelling in it but I had allowed it to become a chore as I waited for my weekend to come around with the arrival of my boyfriend to spice up my life and actually make my communications go beyond my therapists and computer screen. As I write this I am kicking myself for not realising how little I was helping myself sooner.
So I have changed my routine and I have ventured not only from the four walls of my bedroom but also my house to the centre of Nottingham for a reminder that my life is so much more than my anxiety. At least it can be.
I had let my recovery become the only thing that I focussed on but the problem with that is it gives me anxiety!
I have realigned my priorities and spoke to my support worker and feel like I am doing a lot better. Anxiety and depression come hand in hand and it has always been more anxiety for me yet I constructed a routine and plan that made depressive thoughts even harder to ignore. So I changed it. Remember that your recovery is exactly that, yours.
You know what is best for you. Though we may like to ignore our gut we all know what is best for us and I just took a long weekend of darkness to figure that out. Do not allow your therapist or the people around you dictate your path for recovery because it is not them jumping the hurdles.
And remember that bad days are normal it’s all part of the journey.
Here is a video I found inspiring and a helpful reminder that every bad day has a tomorrow, every hurdle I jump is a success and everything I can control I should because I have the power to.
Never forget to live a life outside of your recovery. And never be afraid to change the direction or pace of your therapy… that is the beauty of the process.
Today Tomorrow Forever