An Unedited Update on ME!

Thursday 26th April 2018 – 01:15 am 

Prepare yourselves for an emotional blog entry. So… I haven’t written, with my heart on the line, my mind on the screen and my fingers tapping away without restraint for a while. Now seems a good time to catch up with you all. To catch me up. Deep apologies for turning my blog momentarily into a diary, but the truth is, my blog is scheduled well-constructed diary of my thoughts.

I have found myself stuck for words lately, not for things to write, my list is pages long, I just couldn’t quite find the words to make sense of my thousands of outstanding blog titles.

Cue an emotional extract from me and an honest confession that has a tendency to prove the solution to my lack of words.

I have had a bad day today. Bad seems extreme to be honest. I have had a day. Just a day.

I have had just a few days and it has left me feeling at a loss.

I have reminded myself today that it is okay to not be okay. I reminded myself Tuesday that it was okay that I wouldn’t be posting on Wednesday at 9:00 as usual. I reminded myself that all of me is always enough and that I am okay to not be okay.

I have still felt that numb buzz, that nothing has changed in my head.

I wrote a list of things to do today, I have checked off none of those things, instead, I have watched Netflix all day and enjoyed mindless TV programs intended for those 10 years younger than me. And a song came on, it was a backing track, and it has made me feel a little more myself.

Don’t stay low – The Good Mad. (2.03mins)

I am listening to this song as I type away, it is now 01:27 am.

This is the truth of mental illness, and life, there is an in-between, there is a mood that isn’t sadness, nor is it happiness. It is simply a sense that the world is turning, the sun is rising and setting, and the hours are ticking by. And you are simply watching, existing, and in a sense waiting. Waiting for someone to press play, waiting for the tide to turn and waiting for tomorrow to become today.

This is where I am at tonight.

I am hovering over my spacebar the time is 01:31 am. And I am restraining from erasing all that is within my mind, carrying with me the faith that someone reading this feels this with me and that someone else reading this finally believes the truth of mental illness.

I have anxiety. I have depression. I have emetophobia.

All these things are a part of me and a part of my life, but they are not all I am.

I have always been honest on my blog, but I think it’s time to make a change, I think it’s time I tell my story, and I share my fight.

I have shared my words of wisdom, I have shared specs of the person I am and the past I have had. But it is time I am honest with you, and with myself. It is time to move forward.

It is 01:37 am.

I am considering why now it feels so right. Each time I write on my blog I write what I believe, what I feel, and exactly what has been. But I suppose even though I have been completely honest with what I have said, I haven’t said completely everything.

Talking, confessing I am vulnerable, and human has been a big part of my journey. As all my life I have hidden from the beauty of being human and admired the unperishable concept that science is the ultimate dictator of the life I lead.

Mental Illness, however, is fatal to those that choose to hide away from coming forth and accepting that they are human, and not okay.

I have learnt to be honest with not just the facts but also the feelings I have and it has been hard, really hard. But it has been the best thing I have done. And to those questioning embracing the entirety of yourself and allowing yourself to be vulnerable and not okay, I urge you to.

It scares me saying this, but the truth is if I hadn’t the consequences long term could have been fatal.

I have a few things on the horizon for my near future that I cannot wait to share with you all. But you deserved an update first. On my overwhelmed, exhausted and fed-up state of mind.

I am okay.

And tomorrow is another day.

But for tonight I am alone with my thoughts, and I am thankful for my vulnerability, and for you.

I am thankful for you.

Big things are coming to Today Tomorrow Forever Ella.

Please comment and let me know how you are today, and let the world know that good things are coming.

Goodnight Blog – 01:48 am.

Today Tomorrow Forever

Ella.

( I haven’t edited this, so I apologise for the rambling and minor mistakes you may have incurred, but I wanted this to be real. )

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6 Comments

  1. Sarah Smith
    26/04/2018 / 13:28

    Ella – thank you for being so honest, true and real. It takes a great deal of courage to open up and share your vulnerability with the world, but it is what helps your followers feel connected to you and want to walk this journey (and their own) with you. So well done honey – super writing. Love you lots. Sarah Lou xxx

    • 26/04/2018 / 14:18

      Love you lots too! ♥️

  2. 26/04/2018 / 20:50

    Ella, First thing I want to say is that even your edited posts are honest. Editing and polishing, changing words or letters to better illustrate/ explain/ express what it is you are thinking or feeling doesn’t take this away in the least. But, an un-edited form is equally honest, and may only show more of the raw material before you carved it into a shape. They are both real.
    Secondly, I congratulate you on both firms. The raw and the gem are embedded and inherently interdependent. Your gift for words and expression are great in both forms.
    Thirdly, I can relate A LOT to this feeling that is an in-between. When I am in it like now, like you were last night, which will become later on “that night” , is a state that even exists in nature. That stage where plants aren’t fully out there yet. You know what I mean ? when a seed awaits to become, or the plant awaits to blossom, both are stages of becoming and are inherently natural to humans as well. In mental illness, this stage is felt more profoundly and thus you have to remember that everything is transitory and naturally flowing. You are growing and healing, and shall blossom even more than you already do today, simply because this is part of your nature.

    Fourthly, I always offer my support, and didn’t know what you suffered from precisely, apart for anxiety. Now that I know we both suffer from these same 3 things (and for me other mental illnesses too), I can say that I relate and repeat my offer more specifically, although I cannot talk about emeto so I can at least support you for anxiety and depression. Together, we are stronger and can be anything, and in the meantime, it’s okay to not be okay at times, it’s only temporary.
    Hugs & love – and see you in DM

  3. 26/04/2018 / 22:36

    This is such a kind, honest and open comment, I am so thankful to have you as a friend and to have met you.

    I love your metaphor. You are very true I suppose its eqivalent to those teenage years now you have opened my eyes wider, wanting to be a child and an adult all at the same time. Wanting balance.

    I similarly cannot talk about my phobia the extent to me sharing on the subject is the label itself and anything that surpasses that triggers me lets say. So I am happy to stick to all other topics.

    Again, thank you, I will forever be grateful for you endless support ever since you greeted my blog.

    Love n Strength all the way back to you.

    Ella X

  4. Jeff Prindle
    31/07/2018 / 00:27

    I’ve been sober 28 years and have struggled with depression and emotional pain. It’s been bad but getting better. Stay honest girl, feel your feelings and take one day at a time and know that it will get better.

    • 04/08/2018 / 14:59

      I have just checked my comments after a small absense from the online world, as you know, sometimes life happens. And this comment has made me smile so wide and truly remember that if I am all I am, I shall succeed.

      Thank You Jeffery, and keep fighting, you are amazing.

      Ella X

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