When people talk about deja vu and that feeling of going back in time suddenly not being present in the now but watching the past evolve for a split second I never really understood. As we face similar moments in our lives but nothing is inherently the same as something that happened days or years ago.
However, recently I have come to the conclusion that the feeling of deja vu can happen even if the moment is shockingly different from another, but just one thing fits into place just as it did before.
A date, a time, a feeling…
Remembrance Sunday, just gone, marked one of those moments for me. I had been reflective the week prior, considering how far I had come in the past year, and recently. However when I stood at work and should have been celebrating and honoring the bravery and courage of those who gave their lives so I could have mine. My mind wandered.
It wandered back to the same day a year ago. When I stood 15 meters away in the staffroom doorway at work, bowed my head for two minutes of silence. I relived myself a year ago, listening to the child cry and the embarrassed parent attempt to silently silence them.
Mostly though when my mind wandered, I thought about the version of me that stood there a year ago compared to the version of me standing in the same building surrounded by the same people a year later. How much stronger I was. I was okay.
How I knew everything would be okay.
And I thanked my workplace and the people I stood shoulder to shoulder with for being there a year later.
For those two minutes, my mind was entirely preoccupied in the best possible way. The hope I had spent so long preaching and convincing myself of became real. Those two minutes reminded me that I am winning as long as I am still standing.
Since my journey of recovery has begun I have become rather philosophical about life. Firmly believing that I will be where I am supposed to be when I am supposed to be there. And that everything happens for a reason.
The more challenges I face and the longer I live my journey I have come to trust the process. I may sometimes do this in the fetal position as giving in is easier than it sounds. Though I always eventually give in and things work out.
I find myself talking and thinking a lot about my progress and my recovery at the minute, I think it’s because it is so shockingly apparent right now how my baby steps have covered a real distance.
I don’t think anyone truly believes themselves when they start therapy and their process to tomorrow. As in my case I repeatedly said I was good enough, it echoed deep within me but never quite resonated. Then it started to stay but soon left me again. Like a butterfly, beautiful up close but so hard to get it to sit still so you can admire it.
I think maybe recovery isn’t about catching the butterfly or learning to move just as fast as it does. Instead, it is about opening your mind, soul, and body so you do not need to see or feel your worth, your value and overwhelming adequacy yet you know it is always there.
It is harder work to open your mind to what you cannot see, hear, touch or smell than it is to chase a butterfly all day. The work is invisible and you can never tell how close you are to finally, succeeding. That’s the cruel curse of recovery though, it requires hard work, patience, and the fight is invisible, then the results come all at once.
This Remembrance Sunday offered me a glimpse into what my life can become, showing me what I can accomplish… with baby steps. Reminding me that my future existed with hope.
Here’s to my next moment of déjà vu whenever that may be.
Tomorrow shall come.
Become your very own butterfly.
Today Tomorrow Forever,
Songs: You Gotta Be. – Des’ree // Yellow. – Coldplay