It is extremely hard to watch your life change in front of you and feel yourself become consumed. My life a year ago involved distinctly less bad days but I am not sure I can say more good days.
Anxiety has grabbed hold of my life in a crippling manner and it has caused what feels like a hurricane of changes.
In the inevitability of the 21st century, social media has become integral to my daily routine. It used to be how I published my goings on, whether that be early mornings or late nights. Filled with recurring faces and flashes of strangers I met along the way. However, as anxiety clung on and ate into my routine and what I knew as normality it also ate into my relationships.
I have lost handfuls of people who I used to surround me, some I miss and others I miss less, as well as a handful of individuals I have found myself disappointed with.
I know I shouldn’t spend even the shortest of moment contemplating those who didn’t pick me up or sit by my side as I learnt what high-level anxiety truly meant and means. Yet it’s hard to not pass thoughts on people who have once been a part of that routine and a recurring image in my social scrapbook.
It doesn’t take long in life to learn people come and go when they realise it takes a huge amount of effort to stay. However, it always takes more times than it should, to learn that it is true. As most us hold faith in humanity and prospects for the better in others.
At the age of 17, I have spent my time around people who I can’t say have had much choice on their friendships due to the small glass dome childhood and education provides.
Yet I have still learnt that even those who’ve stayed around for a long time may find it a challenge to make the effort when you can’t because you have fallen apart. For the most part, this is a lesson one must always learn. Although I have to admit it is heartbreaking to learn that even the closest friends and oldest acquaintances truly don’t care.
With this does provide another lesson… which is distinctly happier as it makes you realise how much those who around do care. Especially when they don’t mind taking the weight for a little while whilst you find your feet again.
People change lives. I know people have changed mine. As I have learnt how to truly make a day matter and as I have spent all my days surrounded by love instead of a list of selfish matters making my days not bad as such yet simply adequate.
Seek the happy in the sad, with any loss of friendship comes someone who is still around to listen. Keep that cliché glass of water half full, it will be easier to smile then. I promise.
Your life also includes the company you keep.
To read more about my journey with Mental Illness and my outlook, click here.
Today Tomorrow Forever
Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.