How many times can I say, ‘Hello, I’m back’, before you all disappear? But no seriously…

Hello my loves, here I am, and I am… you guessed it…back!

The last post I published, My guide to a Blog Overhaul,  I said a week, it may have been just over, but here I am. Though justification for time away from blogging is not needed a, justify and explain I shall.
Many times I have disappeared from the web and my schedule has slipped away and I must admit in the past my blog has slipped away from my mind, this time that however was not the case. This past week and a half I have updated my About Me page and changed my theme. I love the theme… though the process of getting it to fully function was not entirely smooth, hence the delay. Thanks to a great customer service team from both Siteground and WAT Designs.

I think my blog is due, and update on my head space, so I am going to try my best to get as deep as the earth’s core and let you guys know what I have been thinking lately, I would love for you to comment and share how you have been to of course!

A few weeks ago I took proud ownership of the label, single, as my ex-boyfriend decided for reasons that I shall not enclose, it was time we go our separate ways. If any of you are avid readers of Today Tomorrow Forever Ella, which for the record, you should all be, you will know the positive impact my relationship had on me and my mental health. Due to this, I was scared, I am stronger than I have been for months, however, you can’t help but wonder if you can keep making progress alone? If you’re going to relapse? If he was the reason you got better? … Despite the rush of questions. the rush of fears. I am also a strong woman and a firm believer that I do not need anyone but myself in this world, though I obviously appreciate people just as much as the rest of us. And an even firmer believer that I do not need a man nor a relationship in this modern age to be both successful and happy. I kept telling myself this for a few days.

After a year in bed, a year fighting to get back to living life, not simply being a pawn in my existence, I refused to let anyone but myself determine my continued recovery, progress, and ultimate happiness. I guess I have become resilient to bad days. If that’s possible. (I am not sure you can ever become used to pain, I don’t think anyone ever stops feeling.)

So that happened,

It has been a few weeks like I said, and I am okay, and I am very happy. I am proud of my strength and more in love with myself and hopeful for tomorrow than ever.

Though, another consequence of the end of my relationship was a realisation. The realisation that as my boyfriend went through my mental health deterioration I didn’t have to tell him of my past. he lived it. But with his presence being one I am no longer blessed with, as a human, as a sexual being, I begin my pursuit of companionship and Disney movie dream, just like the last girl. I have also started applying for more and more jobs. As I am functional. I can finally do as I should do. The thing is mental illness doesn’t go away, it simply improves, anxiety shall always be within me, and I am sure I will face worse days than today in my bouquet of tomorrows. The past never leaves you but nor does it define you.

With these thoughts I came to the conclusion that I am going to spend my life, not justifying, but simply sharing with people this part of me, and particularly this part of my life. And with that, I wonder how I will phrase it, in 10 years what will this year be to me. Will it be a piece of me I keep wrapped in a box for only those who need the key? or for those who also ask for the key? I know I certainly will never lose the key, as I am not ashamed of myself and my struggles, they have made me the strong person I am. My past has carved beauty into my bones that shall never erode.

I will only know what I shall say in 10 years, in 10 years of course. But it did fill my mind. And what followed was a smile.

I smiled because, I was thinking about my life in 10 years, my life where I was living to discuss anxiety as a part of me but ultimately as my past. A surreal thought for someone who a year ago stood at a boarding gate, with tears rolling down her face, watching a plane she was meant to be on, fly away. Sweaty palms, sweaty back and throbbing head. With diazepam and fluoxetine running through her veins, doing nothing as she shook, and felt more than she had ever felt. When she should have been dribbling amongst the clouds.

It is surreal, to think that even though a year may be a long time, I feel blessed, that I am here, a year on, smiling.

That I see 10 years ahead, without any more fear than the next person looking forward.

My mind has been busy, I have felt a lot the past few weeks, and I wanted to share it. Maybe I needed to as well?

Recovery is possible. I am nowhere near the finish line, but it is as sweet as sugared covered strawberry right now, and I can live with that for the rest of my life, but I can also tell you I know I will only get better.

I hope this jumble of my inner workings makes as much sense as it does to me, these posts shall never be organised, as brains are not. But, my blog is my home, and I wanted to write, to you, for you and share what craziness has been filling my shelves these passing weeks.

What has been filling the bookshelves of your mind this week?

Today Tomorrow Forever, 

Ella. 

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